Sunday was a difficult day for me and I spent two thirds of the meeting block trying to hold back tears.
For the past year or so I have served as the Primary Pianist and the Activity Days Leader and have had some wonderful experiences. As I play the piano, I often have many visitors who like to sing along to what I am playing for prelude or postlude or they just stand and watch. The many experiences I have had with the Valiant age girls have been priceless and both the girls and I have grown spiritually and have grown closer as sisters.
As I prepare the activities I do so keeping in mind the purpose of the program and the individual needs of the girls. I try to accomodate their ideas and desires so that they don't feel left out. There has been occasion that I have asked for information or assistance from leaders and priesthood holders. Sometimes I get what I need immediately; other times I have had to ask multiple times. Most often I do not get what I need (usually in the form of no response).
For the past month I have expressed the need for some priesthood assistance and was told that I would be contacted to get it organized. I was not contacted by the individual. I then approached the individual and was greeted with surprise "I didn't know anything about this..." My husband and I both stared at this person in unbelief. I touched base with the bishop and he seemed disappointed that I had not been contacted.
This past Sunday I inquired again and was told this time "It has been discussed in PEC and the Bishop is going to talk to you today." I immediately went looking for the Bishop - could not find him. I then went looking for Victor. Found Victor and told him what had transpired. He walked back with me to the Bishop's office. I asked the ward clerk to let the Bishop know that I was looking for him. He asked me where the Bishop could find me and I told him the Primary Room.
Long story short - I was never contacted and nothing has been arranged to help me. I needed the assistance by this coming Saturday... :(
When I got home from church I was distressed and I told Victor that I didn't want to do it any more. Why work so hard to do a good job when I don't get the support I need. Don't members of the church understand what it means when the raise their arm to the square when sustaining members in their callings? Every person that I spoke to said that they would support me and yet when I have asked for the support I get nothing.
I was so upset I decided that I wasn't going to go to church any more and that they could have fun looking for someone else to play the piano in primary; be the back-up to playing the organ in Sacrament Meeting; organize the muscial numbers for sacrament meeting and someone else to come to the church twice a month to help the girls earn their Faith in God.
I was filled with such sorrow I could not bring myself to change my mind.
This morning while getting ready for work; I was putting on my shoes and socks and talking to Vincent. I asked him how he was doing and then asked him if I could ask him a personal question.
It was of a spiritual nature... We spoke for about 15 minutes. One of the things that I said to him; after talking about the "church thing" which he has some difficulty with: "Vincent, it is not always easy to do the "church thing". Sometimes it is even difficult for me. Sometimes I just want to forget the whole thing. Sunday was one of those days that made it seem not worth it. However, I spent many years away from the church and I remember how I felt during that time. I would rather not experience that again. I am happy that the Gospel is a part of my life and I would not give it up for anything. Even in the midst of sorrow and pain caused by the choices that others make."
At that moment of clarity I realized that I can continue doing those things that I know the Lord wants me to do. I know that he is pleased with the many things that I have already accomplished.
Does my spirit still ache? Absolutely. My feelings have been hurt. Can I heal my broken heart! YES! I know that by continuing to serve those feelings will soon be mended and that I can forgive those who have offended.