Tuesday, March 16, 2010

SORROW

Sunday was a difficult day for me and I spent two thirds of the meeting block trying to hold back tears.

For the past year or so I have served as the Primary Pianist and the Activity Days Leader and have had some wonderful experiences.  As I play the piano, I often have many visitors who like to sing along to what I am playing for prelude or postlude or they just stand and watch.  The many experiences I have had with the Valiant age girls have been priceless and both the girls and I have grown spiritually and have grown closer as sisters.

As I prepare the activities I do so keeping in mind the purpose of the program and the individual needs of the girls.  I try to accomodate their ideas and desires so that they don't feel left out.  There has been occasion that I have asked for information or assistance from leaders and priesthood holders.  Sometimes I get what I need immediately; other times I have had to ask multiple times.  Most often I do not get what I need (usually in the form of no response).

For the past month I have expressed the need for some priesthood assistance and was told that I would be contacted to get it organized.  I was not contacted by the individual.  I then approached the individual and was greeted with surprise "I didn't know anything about this..."  My husband and I both stared at this person in unbelief.  I touched base with the bishop and he seemed disappointed that I had not been contacted.

This past Sunday I inquired again and was told this time "It has been discussed in PEC and the Bishop is going to talk to you today."  I immediately went looking for the Bishop - could not find him.  I then went looking for Victor.  Found Victor and told him what had transpired.  He walked back with me to the Bishop's office.  I asked the ward clerk to let the Bishop know that I was looking for him.  He asked me where the Bishop could find me and I told him the Primary Room.

Long story short - I was never contacted and nothing has been arranged to help me.  I needed the assistance by this coming Saturday... :(

When I got home from church I was distressed and I told Victor that I didn't want to do it any more.  Why work so hard to do a good job when I don't get the support I need.  Don't members of the church understand what it means when the raise their arm to the square when sustaining members in their callings?  Every person that I spoke to said that they would support me and yet when I have asked for the support I get nothing.

I was so upset I decided that I wasn't going to go to church any more and that they could have fun looking for someone else to play the piano in primary; be the back-up to playing the organ in Sacrament Meeting; organize the muscial numbers for sacrament meeting and someone else to come to the church twice a month to help the girls earn their Faith in God.

I was filled with such sorrow I could not bring myself to change my mind.

This morning while getting ready for work; I was putting on my shoes and socks and talking to Vincent.  I asked him how he was doing and then asked him if I could ask him a personal question.

It was of a spiritual nature...  We spoke for about 15 minutes.  One of the things that I said to him; after talking about the "church thing" which he has some difficulty with:  "Vincent, it is not always easy to do the "church thing".  Sometimes it is even difficult for me.  Sometimes I just want to forget the whole thing.  Sunday was one of those days that made it seem not worth it.  However, I spent many years away from the church and I remember how I felt during that time.  I would rather not experience that again.  I am happy that the Gospel is a part of my life and I would not give it up for anything.  Even in the midst of sorrow and pain caused by the choices that others make."

At that moment of clarity I realized that I can continue doing those things that I know the Lord wants me to do.  I know that he is pleased with the many things that I have already accomplished. 

Does my spirit still ache?  Absolutely.  My feelings have been hurt.  Can I heal my broken heart!  YES!  I know that by continuing to serve those feelings will soon be mended and that I can forgive those who have offended.

1 comment:

shydandelion said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel! I have made that same exact comment to Jeremy: "Don't they know what raising their arm to the square means???" It's so hard when you try and try, and beg and plead for help, and nobody will help you.

I think the resulting feeling is what Heavenly Father calls, "weary in well-doing," and he has asked us not to become so! It's difficult. Along with enduring to the end.

I just have to remind myself who I am doing the work for, and then I know, as Nephi did, that there is nothing God asks of me that I cannot do!